The Saga of Donald Trump’s You-Know-What

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Recently, leaked passages from former porn star Stormy Daniels’ upcoming book described Donald Trump’s executive junk in explicit and – I’ll say it – disturbing detail. Read on if you dare…

Brace Yourself

Here are the salacious details:

Daniels says Trump’s penis is “smaller than average” but “not freakishly small.”

“He knows he has an unusual penis,” she wrote. “It has a huge mushroom head. Like a toadstool” and then further elaborated the point by saying, “I lay there, annoyed that I was getting f!#ked by a guy with Yeti pubes and a d#ck like the mushroom character in Mario Kart.”

Toad is forever sullied. Sorry, Nintendo.

Finally: “It may have been the least impressive sex I’d ever had, but clearly, he didn’t share that opinion.”

Melania Knows…

Here’s the deal. Presumably there are two people in the White House who have seen Donald Trump’s junk: Melania Trump and the president’s physician. If Daniels’ allegations are true, then Melania definitely knows it now.

Trump has long denied the affair, and who knows what kind of sweet talk he’s delivered to FLOTUS to cover his ass. “Baby you know I’m a germaphobe,” he probably said. “Why would I have unprotected sex with a porn star?”

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I have seen things no woman should ever have to see…

But now the jig is up. If Trump does have a toadstool between his legs, there’s no good reason for Stormy Daniels to be able to describe it in such vivid detail if she hadn’t seen it in person.

Quick, quick — swallow that vomit. We’re almost done here.

Trump’s Campaign Claims

Because Trump is the master of projection, he defended his penis long before there was any reason to do so. During the campaign, Marco Rubio joked about Trump’s small hands, saying, “you know what they say about men with small hands — ”

Trump was quick to defend himself during a debate on live television, managing to take a low comment even lower.

“Look at those hands,” Trump said on the debate stage while holding up his hands. “Are they small hands? And he referred to my hands — if they are small, something else must be small.”

“I guarantee you there is no problem,” Trump said. “I guarantee you.”

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Hi I’m Donald Trump and my body parts are all completely normal. I guarantee you. Trust me. Believe me.

And just like your dad taught you, any man who says “I guarantee you,” “believe me,” or “trust me” is absolutely lying to you.